Emphatic Listening - Have you Really Listen to Your Surrounding and People Closest to You Lately?This article will reveal the important of emphatic listening and how you can be an effective listener. Wise leadership needs the ability to hear the unspoken and unheard - those beyond words, those unspoken actions and those expressions, and unexpressed needs. This is what our leadership are lacking today, we hears too many words, listen to too many versions of truths and untruths – the superficial words, leaders today do just about anything but to REALLY LISTEN to the heart of the problem! I came across a wonderful Chinese Parable ‘The Sound of Forest’ translated by W. Chan Kim and Renee A. Mauborgne – the first thing that comes to mind when I read this parable is EMPHATIC LISTENING. Back in the third century A.D., the King Ts’ao sent his son, Prince T’ai, to the temple to study under the great master Pan Ku. Because Prince T’ai was to succeed his father as king, Pan Ku was to teach the boy the basics of being a good ruler. When the prince arrived at the temple, the master sent him alone to the Ming-Li Forest. After one year, the prince was to return to the temple to describe the sound of the forest. When Prince T’ai returned, Pan Ku asked the boy to describe all that he could hear. "Master," replied the prince, "I could hear the cuckoos sing, the leaves rustle, the hummingbirds hum, the crickets chirp, the grass blow, the bees buzz, and the wind whisper and holler." When the prince had finished, the master told him to go back to the forest to listen to what more he could hear. The prince was puzzled by the master’s request. Had he not discerned every sound already? For days and nights on end, the young prince sat alone in the forest listening. But he heard no sounds other than those he had already heard. Then one morning, as the prince sat silently beneath the trees, he started to discern faint sounds unlike those he had every heard before. The more acutely he listened, the clearer the sounds became. The feeling of enlightenment enveloped the boy. "These must be the sounds the master wished me to discern." he reflected. When Prince T’ai returned to the temple, the master asked him what more he had heard. "Master," responded the prince reverently, "when I listened most closely, I could hear the unheard – the sound of flowers opening, the sound of the sun warming the earth, and the sound of the grass drinking the morning dew." The master nodded approvingly. "To hear the unheard," remarked Pan Ku, "is a necessary discipline to be a good ruler. For only when a ruler has learned to listen closely to the people’s hearts, hearing their feelings uncommunicated, pains unexpressed, and complaints not spoken of, can he hope to inspire confidence in his people, understand when something is wrong, and meet the true needs of his citizens. The demise of states comes when leaders listen only to superficial words and do not penetrate deeply into the souls of the people to hear their true opinions, feelings, and desires." Is she/he has an inexpressible needs, have you been observing and listening, or are you been too busy listening to the rustle of the papers or the sound of busy typing on the keyboard or the sound of televisions and movies or even the gossips in your neighborhood to really watch in silence and listen to the deep needs of people closest to you? If you haven’t been doing so… don’t despair, the good news is this skill can be learnt. But it’s takes a sincere heart to really start listening. The first principle of emphatic listening: We need to care deep enough to be able to listen to the unspoken and unheard. The ability to see beneath the surface of people’s obvious behavior can make the difference between seeming harsh and unsympathetic on one hand, and on the other being humane and well-respected. Here are the 7 key points on emphatic listening: 1) SINCERE, you have to care deep enough to be able to see beneath the obvious. Without sincerity, there is NO way you could really listen! 2) Listen carefully and non-judgmentally (emphasis added). Be humble. 3) Where appropriate, repeat key phrases or open ended questions to encourage people to open up. 4) Pay attention to what’s not being said, or what’s being said with emotion and body language, as to what’s being said. Seek to understand, then to be understood and not the other way around! "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." ~ Robert McCloskey 5) At times, you may not need to say anything in return, if you’re sincere, your body language will show that you are supportive. Words are sometimes meaningless, body language won’t lie and it’s not easy to fake! We always consider listening is easy – in truth, it’s the hardest skill to master; lots of energy and thoughts are put into “real” listening. More often than not, we are quick to offer our thought and advice, which we thought fit and this could be destructive and could quickly shut the person down from sharing. In our best intention, we always thought our advice is the “BEST” advice. “Be quick to listen, be slow to speak”. 6) Strip the pretense!
7) Don’t confuse sympathy with empathy. Sympathy is agreement. Empathy is understanding! It does not have to make sense to you, or be of value, to you; it is of value and makes sense of the other. The challenge is to get out of our own autobiography enough to invest energy and intellect into the stance, perceptions, values and emotions of another person. Stands in the other person’s shoes to understand him/her action. The more you listen, the more you will gain respect from the rest; and the more you’ll be listened to!
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But the great truth is you don’t have to be the CEO of a company or the major of the state to start understand the need of emphatic listening, and to hear the unspoken and unheard. Have you hear the needs in your family or among your cycle of friends recently? Have you hear the need of your spouse?